Phew!

Well I am back!  I have had a fairly rubbish few months  but am slowly coming out the other side. First off November, I went in hospital for my usual top up of drugs which isn't unusual but I was feeling a bit ... on edge I guess you could call it. I knew something wasn't quite right, not with my health but in my personal / relationship life. It just coincided with my stay in hospital. The thing was I couldn't sort out what was bothering me as I knew it was going to upset me and the last place I wanted to be when I went into emotional break down was hospital. I had to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't and tried to be happy when all I wanted to do was cry.

Things came to a head in early December, I had been home from hospital a few days and had a week of treatment to go ( I do a week of treatment in and a week on my own at home) when I got the "we need to talk" text. He used those exact words and we all know what that means.

After a month of no contact from his side ( I had tried, I'd emailed, txt'd, suggested things to do and places to go, all with no reply, it had gotten to the stage where I  had given up trying and he didn't even know I had been in hospital) I knew what he wanted. I told him it was ok, that I knew he wanted it over, he told me, in a txt,he shouldn't have left it so long , that he had been childish and  to take care of myself. He had wanted to do it face to face but I knew I wouldn't be able to stop making an idiot of myself in front of him if he was there.  And that was it, a near 3 year relationship over just like that. I was too hurt to say much more than chuck my stuff I'd left at his, out.

 The next few weeks were a bit of a nightmare, I'd get up, try to act normal, try not to think of him during the day, go to bed, cry myself to sleep then cry myself awake after the nightmares. I know how pathetic that sounds! But I was trying by doing things and staying busy. The only thing I couldn't be was creative (apart from crochet) and I have missed that. I am still not quite there yet but hopefully in the next few days I will be back up and running. I still get sad but I haven't cried for a while, I do wish the bad dreams would bugger off tho.

I've cut off all contact (not that he has tried to get in touch) as I don't think I could handle knowing he was with someone new. I miss him though, for a long while he was my best friend and I would have done anything for him. It hurts that he didn't try to make it work, all relationships have problems and need effort (He could be bloody hard work!) but he said nothing. The last time I was at his things were (I thought) fine. I'm  angry that our near three years together wasn't worth fighting for. It hurts so much that the person I loved and had so much respect for and faith in, wasn't who I thought. And I am angry at myself too, there are things I shouldn't have put up with and I really should have walked away the first time he took me for granted.

My friends have been brilliant.Talking to me, listening to me rant and cry and keeping me busy. I have gone out so many times this past month, my social life is fantastic! It is much too soon to want to be in another relationship (it wouldn't be fair either when I still have feelings for him) but I am whole as I am. It's taught me a lot and made me take a long look at myself. I am trying to change who I am and boost my self esteem a bit. I am making plans and changes.

Well, I'm sorry this post is such a downer, hopefully the next post's will be a bit more fun!