Friday, 29 July 2011

A big thanks :)

Just want to say a big thank you  for the comments on my last post, I was in 'that' sort of a mood and the lovely comments helped get me out of it. You see there are a few things that I have to give some thought to at the moment but  the big thing that was driving me mad was should I leave home or not (ok not a massive problem and didn't warrant the amount of angst I was giving it) It doesn't sound much does it? Not that hard? Well.. I have spent the last few weeks looking at flat after flat, all either too small (I'm hoping to share with a mate so two bedrooms are a must) or in dodgy areas (please don't think of me as a snob- honestly I'm not but when you notice that the areal cable on the side of the house has been cut in half, the alley next to it is full of broken glass and the house next door is playing nightclub levels of music it gives me the warnings and deja vu as I grew up in a place like that. And don't get me started on the one where the bedroom ceiling was black, not caused by damp as the bloke showing us around insisted but condensation... yes.. I'm sure it was.
I was feeling frustrated, to afford something decent I need a job, if I get a job (and I have had one) my health goes pear shaped, but if I don't work I can't afford something decent, so I need a job... and repeat.So I'm still living at home, which in all honesty I love, my parents are fab but I need to have my own space, I want to be able to spread my crafty bits and pieces all over the place and not worry about making a mess or them getting moved.
So this is the thing.. do I risk getting a job if (and its a big if) I can find one? I know it will affect my health(it did before) which is why the thought of being self employed so appealing.(I'm in no doubt that it will be tough but being able to work around treatments and hospital visits would make a massive difference) Do I give up the dream of a craft related business as I wont be able to afford rent and materials to make things with? Am I even good enough to run my own business and are the things I make sellable? Or do I stay at home, happy but not fulfilled? Or is there another option that I'm not seeing? Is it a bit weird that I would love to be in the position where I have to pay tax?

In other news, went to clinic Wednesday, have lost weight again (only a pound tho but that's a pound too much when you lack a bum) had a chat to the doc who said my lungs were a bit noisy which I totally agree with.. the upshot is that I'm now on the list to go in hospital for a course of the super drugs. Only just over two months since the last lot which is a bit annoying. Never mind tho, as it will give me chance to get away from flat hunting!
Other than that, I've had a fairly busy few weeks but more on that next time (with photos!)


Wednesday, 20 July 2011


First post for ages and it's a 'woe is me' miserable one... sorry. If I were you I'd stop reading right about now.

Ok....The past three weeks have been a bit trying, things are a bit tough and I've had to do some serious thinking (not something that comes naturally to me, any serious thinking tends to be health related and this isn't- it doesn't sit right and is making me a bit unsettled.)
You see, there are things I want and things I can't get and I know that if I'm ever to get the things I want I have to make some serious and scary decisions first.
Do you ever feel like you are totally on your own? That all you want is someone to give you a hug and tell you what you should do even if they know you will probably do the opposite? It takes me a lot to tell someone I'm in need of an escape and I'm brilliant at hiding how I feel, saying ' I'm fine' is the easiest thing in the world and there are only a few people that can see through me well enough to know that I'm not happy. The people that do cheer me up are either too busy or have problems of their own.This is why I'm sat here on a wet Wednesday afternoon feeling lonely, frustrated and with nothing to turn to except a keyboard and a screen.
 Is it too much to ask that things, just once, could be easy? That I don't have to be the one making the effort or the compromises? That just once, I could be put first?

I know I sound selfish and maybe I am. Perhaps I'm just over tired or just sad. I know I need to do something, a holiday or a trip out or anything just to get away for a few days and I know I still have a big decision to make ( I will explain- just not yet, again sorry!) that I know is at the route of this miserable feeling.

Anyway, I feel better for getting that off my chest and normal blog posts will be resumed shortly.