Saturday, 21 April 2012
be careful what you search for.
When I started this blog it was with the intension of sharing what I had been up to, posting pictures of what I had made and having the occasional rant. Tonight my blog has a different purpose; tonight it is keeping me company and is listening to my worries,(yep, I realise this sounds very weird) I have an overwhelming urge to let everything out.
So I am sat on my hospital bed, I have been here on the ward since Wednesday (about 2pm I think) and right now I have my laptop on my knee and my nebuliser in my mouth taking the 4th inhaled medicine of the day (one more to go)
Today has been ok, my parents visited and I went a walk with my mum to the shop in the hospital ( I bought a scratch card- as yet unscratched) and then had a wander outside (blissful natural, cloud diffused, light).
They went home at half 3 and I’m struck with loneliness, it’s a different sort than what I normally feel as this time I am in here voluntarily.
I put final score on freeview and watch as the results for the Blackpool v Burnley match scroll across the screen and grin at the final result. There is a pang that I am not there, normally the game after my birthday is one I would attend and what a game this would have been to go to. We are in the play offs!
(I’ve just started my last neb of the day, hypertonic saline, in other words super salty water. It makes me cough like a bugger)
I try to keep busy, I finish the Hunger Games trilogy of books my best friend bought me for my birthday, if I’m honest I was too unsettled to read and take it all in, I read it, but I can’t recall much.
After tea (toast- it’s all I can stomach at the moment) I notice a daddy long legs flying around my room in that floaty way they have, I wait until its at the window and let it out. I feel weirdly happy that it is free.
I think about Monday and my op. I have been reassured that I wont be in pain during it, that I probably wont even remember having it done, past experiences of being told this same thing and the opposite happening make me wary. I wonder if there are any experiences online I can read about. This is where I make the mistake. I type some words into Google and click on a few links.. I read something obviously written for medical professionals about the procedure, the things that can go wrong. (I am panicking right now just thinking about it) I know that there are risks for everything but seeing them written down and in medical jargon seems to make it worse. I keep thinking about how I will be awake, if something should go wrong I will be aware of it and be terrified. I long for a general instead of sedation and the unawareness it would bring.
So that’s how I feel now, scared and confused. Do I really want to go through with it, what would happen if I packed up my bags and went home tonight? I know it’s silly, I have committed myself to having this done, the pros far outweigh the cons and it isn’t exactly a huge procedure (I’ve had worse) but I have an almost overwhelming urge to run, actually run until my legs ache, something I haven’t been able to do since my lungs don’t let me.
I think my main problem is that this is something I have chosen to do, the other times I have had ops it is because there has been a need for it, I keep thinking just how much do I need to get that bit of weight on, is it really that important?
I worry that when I have it done I’m going to make a total muppet of myself by bursting into tears or something. If I am too soft to handle something like this, what would I be like for something serious?
I’ve made a list of the benefits and I keep repeating them to myself. That it isn’t that long a procedure, that this time the sedation may actually work and I wont remember a thing.
It’s taken me a good few hours to write this post, I think it has helped, I’m feeling a bit calmer anyway. In 48 hours it will be done. I can do this.
Thank you blogger, for letting me rant and if you have read this far well done!