Saturday, 21 April 2012

be careful what you search for.

When I started this blog it was with the intension of sharing what I had been up to, posting pictures of what I had made and having the occasional rant. Tonight my blog  has a different purpose; tonight it is keeping me company and is listening to my worries,(yep, I realise this sounds very weird) I have an overwhelming urge to let everything out.

So I am sat on my hospital bed, I have been here on the ward since Wednesday (about 2pm I think) and right now I have my laptop on my knee and my nebuliser in my mouth taking the 4th inhaled medicine of the day (one more to go)

Today has been ok, my parents visited and I went a walk with my mum to the shop in the hospital ( I bought a scratch card- as yet unscratched) and then had a wander outside (blissful natural, cloud diffused, light).
They went home at half 3 and I’m struck with loneliness, it’s a different sort than what I normally feel as this time I am in here voluntarily.

I put final score on freeview and watch as the results for  the Blackpool v Burnley match scroll across the screen and grin at the final result. There is a pang that I am not there, normally the game after my birthday is one I would attend and what a  game this would have been to go to. We are in the play offs!

(I’ve  just started my last neb of the day, hypertonic saline, in other words super salty water. It makes me cough like a bugger)

I try to keep busy, I finish the Hunger Games trilogy of books my best friend bought me for my birthday, if I’m honest I was too unsettled to read and take it all in, I read it, but I can’t recall much.

After tea (toast- it’s all I can stomach at the moment) I notice a daddy long legs flying around my room in that floaty way they have, I wait until its at the window and let it out. I feel weirdly happy that it is free.

I think about Monday and my op. I have been reassured that I wont be in pain during it, that I probably wont even remember having it done, past experiences of being told this same thing and the opposite happening make me wary. I wonder if there are any experiences online I can read about. This is where I make the mistake. I type some words into Google and click on a few links.. I read something obviously written for medical professionals about the procedure, the things that can go wrong. (I am panicking right now just thinking about it)  I know that there are risks for everything but seeing them written down and in medical jargon seems to make it worse. I keep thinking about how I will be awake, if something should go wrong I will be aware of it and be terrified. I long for a general instead of sedation and the unawareness it would bring.

So that’s how I feel now, scared and confused. Do I really want to go through with it, what would happen if I packed up my bags and went home tonight? I know it’s silly, I have committed myself to having this done, the pros far outweigh the cons and it isn’t exactly a huge procedure (I’ve had worse) but I have an almost overwhelming urge to run, actually run until my legs ache, something I haven’t been able to do since my lungs don’t let me.

I think my main problem is that this is something I have chosen to do, the other times I have had ops it is because there has been a need for it, I keep thinking just how much do I need to get that bit of weight on, is it really that important?

I worry that when I have it done I’m going to make a total muppet of myself by bursting into tears or something. If I am too soft to handle something like this, what would I be like for something serious?

I’ve made a list of the benefits and I keep repeating them to myself. That it isn’t that long a procedure, that this time the sedation may actually work and I wont remember a thing.

It’s taken me a good few hours to write this post, I think it has helped, I’m feeling a bit calmer anyway. In 48 hours it will be done. I can do this.

Thank you blogger, for letting me rant and if you have read this far well done!



  1. Good luck for your op. I had twilight sedation several years ago for an endoscopy and knew nothing about it but I did tell them beforehand I was worried about being aware of what was going on during the procedure, and also that I have fairly high resistance to painkillers and anaesthetics so they might want to consider upping the dose. I'm not sure if they did but it was fine.

  2. I hope you can sleep tonight and not worry about your procedure! I know the feeling of looking things up and then laying awake wondering if it is going to happen to me?! Sometimes it is ok to read even if you don't remember what you're reading. At least it has pre-occupied our minds for brief moments.
    I wish you peace during this time and hope this operation has many benefits in your future!

  3. Don't worry about ranting Harriet, we all need to do it sometimes. Sorry you've been lonely and unsettled but hopefully it won't be too long til you can escape hospital.

    I've also made the mistake of Googling medical procedures and reading horror stories. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I still do. When I've done this though the reality has been much better than the Internet horror stories have led me to expect. I really hope it's the same for you.

    Ask for as much sedation as possible and hopefully you won't be aware of any of it. I've got a friend who has had pegs and jejs inserted under sedation but it doesn't work for her due to a medical condition. She didn't find it too traumatic even without the sedation working and has no qualms going into another procedure this week.

    Don't worry about seeming silly, I'd have the same fears as you if I was in your situation. The medical professionals won't mind if you do burst into tears, I've done it myself. And I agree that sometimes the minor things are more worrying than the major ones because you have more time to think about them beforehand.

    The peg should benefit you enormously (sp?), so I hope you can stick it out and that it all goes without a hiccup. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

    Take care,

  4. Harriet - I have only just seen your post... I hope that everything goes well today and that you are soon back blogging. I know that this is an elective procedure but your docs who I am sure know you really well would not have let you go through this if they thought it would be wrong for you.

    So looking forward to you being up and about soon... much love :) xxx