Frustrations and Flowers

 It's Handmade Monday!

It feels forever since I last look part in this fab blog tradition! It's hard to believe it's been going more than a year, it only seems like only yesterday the "Handmade's'' were in the double digits.

So, what have I been up to this week?  Well, I have taken advantage of the lovely weather and have been taking some photo's around the garden, I love this time of year (I've probably said that on this blog a million times up to now!)

You can just make out my sparkly slippers on this one!

Don't you just love how bright and fresh everything looks? Love it!! 

I was at clinic last Wednesday for my monthly check up, I've managed to avoid another stay in hospital for the next 5 weeks at least (well, baring anything happening, the nature of CF is pretty changeable , I can be well one minute and be flat out the next,  it makes planning a real hassle!) I've done pretty well after the rubbish time I had at Christmas, it's taken a lot of hard work, but finally my lung function has started going in an upwards direction which is a relief! 

I've been making necklaces with the pendants I have made using the glass molds I got for Christmas.  I put them up for sale on EBay 2 weeks ago thinking that £8 for 11 would be a bargain price for someone looking for car boot joblots ...I've only had 17 views and no bids, I'm feeling very frustrated and a bit despondent if I'm honest and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or where I can sell ( I've had a few on Etsy but again hardly any views. I'd love to sell them at Craft fairs but I can only do those now and again as they are such hard work and tire me out for days) I'm not really sure what I can do now... any advice (including "just give up!") greatfully received!!

Here is the Ebay listing if you fancy having a look Here.

I've also been making bracelets again after having a bit of a break from them. I think I will list this one on Etsy in the next few days. I do love the making, I think I just need a plan of action and do a bit of research on promotion so I can sell and afford more glass and beads! I'm not going to give up, just need to start feeling a bit more positive !

Have a fab week everyone!

be careful what you search for.

When I started this blog it was with the intension of sharing what I had been up to, posting pictures of what I had made and having the occasional rant. Tonight my blog  has a different purpose; tonight it is keeping me company and is listening to my worries,(yep, I realise this sounds very weird) I have an overwhelming urge to let everything out.

So I am sat on my hospital bed, I have been here on the ward since Wednesday (about 2pm I think) and right now I have my laptop on my knee and my nebuliser in my mouth taking the 4th inhaled medicine of the day (one more to go)

Today has been ok, my parents visited and I went a walk with my mum to the shop in the hospital ( I bought a scratch card- as yet unscratched) and then had a wander outside (blissful natural, cloud diffused, light).
They went home at half 3 and I’m struck with loneliness, it’s a different sort than what I normally feel as this time I am in here voluntarily.

I put final score on freeview and watch as the results for  the Blackpool v Burnley match scroll across the screen and grin at the final result. There is a pang that I am not there, normally the game after my birthday is one I would attend and what a  game this would have been to go to. We are in the play offs!

(I’ve  just started my last neb of the day, hypertonic saline, in other words super salty water. It makes me cough like a bugger)

I try to keep busy, I finish the Hunger Games trilogy of books my best friend bought me for my birthday, if I’m honest I was too unsettled to read and take it all in, I read it, but I can’t recall much.

After tea (toast- it’s all I can stomach at the moment) I notice a daddy long legs flying around my room in that floaty way they have, I wait until its at the window and let it out. I feel weirdly happy that it is free.

I think about Monday and my op. I have been reassured that I wont be in pain during it, that I probably wont even remember having it done, past experiences of being told this same thing and the opposite happening make me wary. I wonder if there are any experiences online I can read about. This is where I make the mistake. I type some words into Google and click on a few links.. I read something obviously written for medical professionals about the procedure, the things that can go wrong. (I am panicking right now just thinking about it)  I know that there are risks for everything but seeing them written down and in medical jargon seems to make it worse. I keep thinking about how I will be awake, if something should go wrong I will be aware of it and be terrified. I long for a general instead of sedation and the unawareness it would bring.

So that’s how I feel now, scared and confused. Do I really want to go through with it, what would happen if I packed up my bags and went home tonight? I know it’s silly, I have committed myself to having this done, the pros far outweigh the cons and it isn’t exactly a huge procedure (I’ve had worse) but I have an almost overwhelming urge to run, actually run until my legs ache, something I haven’t been able to do since my lungs don’t let me.

I think my main problem is that this is something I have chosen to do, the other times I have had ops it is because there has been a need for it, I keep thinking just how much do I need to get that bit of weight on, is it really that important?

I worry that when I have it done I’m going to make a total muppet of myself by bursting into tears or something. If I am too soft to handle something like this, what would I be like for something serious?

I’ve made a list of the benefits and I keep repeating them to myself. That it isn’t that long a procedure, that this time the sedation may actually work and I wont remember a thing.

It’s taken me a good few hours to write this post, I think it has helped, I’m feeling a bit calmer anyway. In 48 hours it will be done. I can do this.


Thank you blogger, for letting me rant and if you have read this far well done!

LH
x

Tomatoes!

Its a bit windy here in Blackpool because of the tail end of hurricane Katia (just how do they come up with the names?) so I have decided to stay in an do a bit of blogging and crochet. I did venture out this morning to pick some tomatoes from the greenhouse, some have fallen off because of the mouldy, furry stuff that seems to have infected the plants but the green ones should ripen up on the window sill. I have had quite a good amount this year and less have split which I think is due to me watering them less but more often.

 Here are the rescued tomatoes on the windowsill :)

I went to visit my bf in Warrington Friday night and Saturday we went to The Blue Planet which is an aquarium at Ellesmere Port. I thought it was quite expensive but at the same time I guess it is costly running a place with so many tanks and animals to look after. I did have a great time though, the sharks were fab and I got to stroke a ray (lucky ray *smirk*) which was strange- they are rough on the back and very smooth underneath. I love how smiley they look :) I have read some bad reviews on tripadvisor about Blue Planet, some saying that it doesn't take long to walk around, yes that's true if you walk past everything and just have a quick look, but if you stay a while at each tank, read the information and just watch the animals then you can be in there a good few hours.

I have made some progress with the Epic Beadspread. It really isn't coming together as fast as I would hope but its fun and that's all that matters really. This photo shows what I have done up to now, I still have to sew everything together and do the edging and seeing it laid out like that made me realise that if I'm going to make it 6 big squares across and down that it is going to be huge!

I've been doing a lot of thinking this past few days after all the furore over at folksy and the enforcing of THE RULES. From what I can understand, they are tightening up on what is and what isn't classed as handmade and what can and can't be offered for sale on Folksy. Now I can understand that if a person buys a necklace from a shop, adds a few pounds and puts it for sale on Folksy, then that is wrong (and I'm not saying that has been happening)  but there have been some lovely shops that have been told their items aren't handmade enough to be listed.The thing is I can't see the reason they have to be de listed after November and that's what is making me a bit wary of listing anything else, when I make I have an idea of what I want to do and then it sort of evolves into something else, I don't sit there and think, 'I must not make the pendent the focus of attention because it is mass produced and that isn't allowed' I just make what feels right.
I was attracted to Folksy because it seemed a friendly place and was British based, I just hope it doesn't become elitist with a 'mine's more handmade than yours' attitude.There is also no way I am reporting items I see that I think (and again it seems such a fuzzy area) don't completely comply to the handmade criteria. I had my first sales on there Tuesday and I was really happy to be there until it all kicked off this week...I think the way it has been handled has been awful and there are some people who have  had shops on there (and selling lots and paying the commission and listing fees) for years, who must be very, very upset.

Anyway, after that rant I am off to have a look at all the talented crafters at 1stuniquegifts. Have a brilliant Handmade Monday everyone.

LH
x

A big thanks :)

Just want to say a big thank you  for the comments on my last post, I was in 'that' sort of a mood and the lovely comments helped get me out of it. You see there are a few things that I have to give some thought to at the moment but  the big thing that was driving me mad was should I leave home or not (ok not a massive problem and didn't warrant the amount of angst I was giving it) It doesn't sound much does it? Not that hard? Well.. I have spent the last few weeks looking at flat after flat, all either too small (I'm hoping to share with a mate so two bedrooms are a must) or in dodgy areas (please don't think of me as a snob- honestly I'm not but when you notice that the areal cable on the side of the house has been cut in half, the alley next to it is full of broken glass and the house next door is playing nightclub levels of music it gives me the warnings and deja vu as I grew up in a place like that. And don't get me started on the one where the bedroom ceiling was black, not caused by damp as the bloke showing us around insisted but condensation... yes.. I'm sure it was.
I was feeling frustrated, to afford something decent I need a job, if I get a job (and I have had one) my health goes pear shaped, but if I don't work I can't afford something decent, so I need a job... and repeat.So I'm still living at home, which in all honesty I love, my parents are fab but I need to have my own space, I want to be able to spread my crafty bits and pieces all over the place and not worry about making a mess or them getting moved.
So this is the thing.. do I risk getting a job if (and its a big if) I can find one? I know it will affect my health(it did before) which is why the thought of being self employed so appealing.(I'm in no doubt that it will be tough but being able to work around treatments and hospital visits would make a massive difference) Do I give up the dream of a craft related business as I wont be able to afford rent and materials to make things with? Am I even good enough to run my own business and are the things I make sellable? Or do I stay at home, happy but not fulfilled? Or is there another option that I'm not seeing? Is it a bit weird that I would love to be in the position where I have to pay tax?
Rarrr!

In other news, went to clinic Wednesday, have lost weight again (only a pound tho but that's a pound too much when you lack a bum) had a chat to the doc who said my lungs were a bit noisy which I totally agree with.. the upshot is that I'm now on the list to go in hospital for a course of the super drugs. Only just over two months since the last lot which is a bit annoying. Never mind tho, as it will give me chance to get away from flat hunting!
Other than that, I've had a fairly busy few weeks but more on that next time (with photos!)

LH
x

Rarrrr!

First post for ages and it's a 'woe is me' miserable one... sorry. If I were you I'd stop reading right about now.


Ok....The past three weeks have been a bit trying, things are a bit tough and I've had to do some serious thinking (not something that comes naturally to me, any serious thinking tends to be health related and this isn't- it doesn't sit right and is making me a bit unsettled.)
You see, there are things I want and things I can't get and I know that if I'm ever to get the things I want I have to make some serious and scary decisions first.
Do you ever feel like you are totally on your own? That all you want is someone to give you a hug and tell you what you should do even if they know you will probably do the opposite? It takes me a lot to tell someone I'm in need of an escape and I'm brilliant at hiding how I feel, saying ' I'm fine' is the easiest thing in the world and there are only a few people that can see through me well enough to know that I'm not happy. The people that do cheer me up are either too busy or have problems of their own.This is why I'm sat here on a wet Wednesday afternoon feeling lonely, frustrated and with nothing to turn to except a keyboard and a screen.
 Is it too much to ask that things, just once, could be easy? That I don't have to be the one making the effort or the compromises? That just once, I could be put first?
*sigh*

I know I sound selfish and maybe I am. Perhaps I'm just over tired or just sad. I know I need to do something, a holiday or a trip out or anything just to get away for a few days and I know I still have a big decision to make ( I will explain- just not yet, again sorry!) that I know is at the route of this miserable feeling.
*sigh*

Anyway, I feel better for getting that off my chest and normal blog posts will be resumed shortly.

LH
x